I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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