my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
