If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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