On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
