I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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