U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
