Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
