Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
