Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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