As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
