I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I miss vodka workout Fridays
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
