I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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