nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize