I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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