i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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