I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
