i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize