My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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