can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
