Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
