It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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