I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
