Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
