I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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