So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
