I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
