I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
