The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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