This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
