I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
