He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize