hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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