yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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