Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
