Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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