So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize