hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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