He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
