I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just want nice things and good sex
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
