never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
