I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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