What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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