Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
