AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
