I hate your face
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
