It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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