Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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