I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
