something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
