this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
