trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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