maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
