i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
