I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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