Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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