Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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