If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
try to milk me bitch
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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