ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
