I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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