I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
