I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
