Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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