Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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