I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
last night I used snow as a chaser
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
