I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
