nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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