I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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