The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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